Trust, Honour, Respect

That's what any relationship requires. Without any one of those things a relationship is doomed to failure.
I think I've finally managed to make him see that I'm in for the long haul, as long as it's what he wants.
Over the last few years his ability to trust anyone and allow them in has been seriously challenged, to the point that now everyone is held at a distance and he cynically expects them to just pass through to something better. He hates feeling like that, it's a very lonely way to live life too, I've been there.
I did make a misjudgement about his relationship with St, we've talked some more about it and I've told him that unless he specifically instructs me I'll not do anything sexual with St again.
My focus is S and I won't do anything to jeopardise that, now I understand what's going on between them better I realise it's better to keep that distance between St and I.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Merry Christmas

Sitting here having just eaten breakfast, turkey is in the oven and I've a couple of hours before I need to do anything else.
I feel totally wiped out physically and emotionally. I think dropping like a stone is a good way to describe it.
Yesterday was our last together for almost a week, not long at all, but today it feels a long way off.
Our last few hours were spent in bed, S playing my body like a musical instrument. I came so long and hard when he eventually allowed me.
He prepared me by shaving me completely bare and several enemas so I was nice and clean. Such intimacy we shared in such simple acts.
I'm an anal slut that's for sure and found it an incredible turn on, although there were lots of giggles and kisses too. There's a time for serious and a time for fun, where possible I enjoy mixing the two together. This was definitely one of those times.
Talking to a friend of S today he says he's never seen S so happy, I'm pleased about that. He's a lovely man and had a tough time over the years, it makes me happy to give him something good, it's a bonus that it also gives me something good in return.
Why then do I feel unsettled? I feel the need to submit completely to him and feel that he takes and holds that submission, yet he tells me to submit as much as I wish but I'm still my own person and he does not own me.
It makes me feel insecure which is silly, I know it's only in my own head, my paranoia that I feel so disposable. I've tried to explain a little how I feel about it, but so much of it is difficult to verbalise.
He tells me I'm a gorgeous subbie, that I react beautifully to him. That he loves how I am with him and that I'm a joy to be around. He says I need to go with the flow and see what happens. I'm trying, I really am, especially as we've only been together a few weeks, but it's really difficult to let go as much as I need to and perhaps unfair of me to try and give more than he wants, if that's what I'm doing.
See what happens at new year, either way I know I'm in for a fun time.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

I'm Rita

I've had an amazing few days.
I think I've had more orgasms this last 4 days than I've had in years.
I've got a gorgeous naked man in bed next to me and it's going to be hard to go home tomorrow and leave him. I will be back for New Years eve, so not too bad.
S told me to go with the flow and I have pretty much. His male lover spent last evening and night with us and even a couple of hours this afternoon.
Yesterday S and I both played with St, torturing his nipples and other parts of his body until eventually S told him he'd earned a reward and could ask for anything he wanted.
St was pretty much blissed out on endorphins, but asked S to fuck him.
It was beautiful to watch them together and I reached my hand underneath S and stroked St's cock while he was being fucked.
It wasn't long before he came all over my hand and that was shortly followed by S cumming too.
Today I was the filling in a S and St sandwich for cuddling and they both kissed, cuddled and pinwheeled me for ages. I was wriggling and squirming with wrists restrained to the bed.
Lots of giggling, touching and kissing too before St finger fucked me to a screaming orgasm. It's a wonder the neighbours haven't called the police I've screamed so loud, I just can't help it.
Most probably think what I'm doing is madness, but we're all enjoying it and there is potential for this to turn into something reasonably long term I think.
Both of them are lovely men who obviously care deeply for each other, my biggest concern was upsetting their dynamic, but I think considering how it might have been, we're doing very nicely.
Today I had a fit of giggles and told them I felt like I was in the film Rita, Sue and Bob Too.
I told them I'm Rita, so which of them is Sue and who is Bob? lol We're Having A Gang Bang
If it lasts weeks, months or longer I'll not regret anything. I've had so much of the negative side of life this last few years I'm making the most of the current time.
I'm also getting to fulfill a few fantasies and there's still a few to go.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing." DanesWood

The Munch Bunch

I had  a beautiful experience on Tuesday night. I went with S to the local munch that he organises. I knew a few of the people there, most I did not. I'm often a little shy in such situations, but I found myself talking to a couple of lovely people and before long I was having a lot of fun.
After the munch a few people came back to the flat with us for coffee and perhaps to play a little. Eight of us in all, sat around on the floor looking at toys and that included several violet wands.
S has a male sub/lover too and he and I have always got along, even before I got together with S. He was tired and sat beside me on the floor leaning on me and we cuddled and stroked each other. Eventually I suggested we went to bed and left everyone else to it as he had work in the morning and I was tired after getting very little sleep the night before.
I'd known we were to all three share the bed last night, so this seemed a good way to break the ice a little without either of us feeling pressured.
He agreed we should leave the others to party and off we went.
S followed me and gave me a hug, told me how awesome he thinks I am and that he'd loved how cuddly I looked with St.  He told me that he would be happy with whatever happened between us, that it was beautiful that the two people who mattered most to him were getting on so well.
I'm not sure how I felt, I agreed it was lovely how comfortable we felt together, but wasn't sure I wanted to more than cuddle. I'd been mulling it over in my mind for a while, because it's important to me that St feels I'm not trying to take his place. I'd expected at some point for the three of us to end up in bed together, but wasn't sure what I would do when it happened. Would I stroke and watch them both? Would I want to join in everything? Or would I take a back seat and await my turn.
I slipped into bed naked next to St, I'm not allowed to wear anything when I get into bed with S anyway. I lay with my back towards St, he put his arm around me and we talked quietly for a while, him stroking my back and arm, me nicely relaxed and beginning to drift off to sleep.
S came in to say goodnight to us both together, kissed us both passionately and told us again how beautiful it was to see us like this.
I snuggled down all comfy and relaxed, St was kissing my back and shoulders very softly as he continued to stroke me, soothing me to sleep.
We could hear everyone else in the next room having a good time, lots of laughs and talking, just too loud for me to shut it out completely and St was the same.
I laughed and said we should just have wild rampant sex and forget trying to sleep, it was already well after 5am and St had the alarm set for 7.30am.
As soon as I said it St behaved as though I'd taken a barrier down and began to kiss my body and stroke my breasts. After a few minutes his hand moved down between my legs and gently searched out my clit. I was quite turned on by now and St loved how wet I was already.
I must've been making some noises because the door opened and S came in. I remember him saying how lovely it was to see us together like this and he sat on the bed beside me and kissed me, stroked me and encouraged St to explore my body more. S stood and removed his clothes then climbed into bed with us both.
The details are rather blurred of who did what after that, but I know I was kissed passionately, finger fucked, licked and eventually fucked, by both of them.
I screamed to orgasm several times and throughout the whole experience S kept holding me, kissing me and telling me how beautiful I was, how happy I make him.
I do have some doubts about the longevity of this relationship, but no doubts that at the moment it's right for all three of us and I'm very happy to share this time with both of them.
What a lucky girl I am to have not one, but two lovers, although it only works with St because of S as far as I'm concerned. S is my main focus it's about the bond I'm building with him and St is a part of S, as I am.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Good Times Cumming

Getting ready to go see the lovely S tomorrow, I'm really very excited. Fantastic sex, good company and socialising with his friends.
Something I want to explore more with him is hypnosis, not written about my first experience with him, but it was very odd.
Cuddling me, stroking me and speaking quietly to me, we'd played a little and he was making sure I was ok I thought, then he told me I could release some emotion, whatever I felt I needed to and I burst into tears.
Crying is quite cathartic and I'm definitely someone who bottles up emotions, which he knows.
After holding me and comforting me we played some more and then he told me to go to sleep and wake up refreshed. I was out like a light, which is unusual and woke up feeling fabulous when he came and whispered in my ear.
It was only later that he told me he'd done some mild hypnosis on me to help me relax. I'm amazed it worked on me because I'm usually wound as tight as a drum.
Just maybe I'll get to experience some more of that over the next few days.
I've been helping a friend this last couple of weeks too, well I became her friend because of the really rough time she's going through at the moment and was asked to help her out.
She's lovely and I'm very pleased I've been introduced to her and I know she's going to need me and other friends around for a long time to come.
Her ex sub has outed her, reported their S&M activity to the police and accused her of doing it all against his will, assaulting him and buggering him with a dildo on numerous occasions.
After that he contacted her employer which has led to her dismissal as she was a social worker whose job it was to help abused and vulnerable people.
They told her one of the reasons for her dismissal is associating with undesirables (us). In my opinion her BDSM lifestyle makes her more qualified to help with abuse victims as consent is so vital to our way of life and belief.
Hard to believe you can spend 18 months with somone and them then treat you like that. Although he outed his previous Domme too when their relationship ended, so he's a history of it, just a shame my friend didn't know that before she got together with him.
I'm currently doing my bit to ensure as many in the community here know about him and are aware what he's capable of.
Usually people on the scene are very tight lipped about others, but thats enabled this piece of slime to carry on and hurt people. No more.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

I'm confused

I've had a lovely few days, had some incredible sex and play. Had a few new experiences and enjoyed the company of some great people.
So what's the problem?
The problem is I really like him, but I want more than he does from a D/s relationship.
I'm trying to think if I should just enjoy what's on offer for now. I have to say he played me like a musical instrument. I had the most intense orgasms of my life and as I rarely cum at all, it's easy to imagine how heady that is.
I'm also suffering some sub drop, so know I'm not in the right frame of mind to make any decisions at the moment.
I need to write some more, get my head around all this.
It was an impulsive decision to accept his invitation to stay with him for a few days. I've been aquainted with him for about 3 years or more, but we'd not spent much time together.
I topped him a few months ago at a club event, there was definitely a connection, but the dynamics hadn't sorted themselves out.
He's very peaceful and relaxing to be around, a very generous and likeable man.
I'd be mad to not just accept what's on offer and enjoy the sex and play, wouldn't I?


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Unexpected News

It seems I'm about to take a new lover, not what I expected at all that's for sure.
He's a poly switch, mostly Dominant and someone I've known for a couple of years although not well untill recently.
Quite a turn up for the books me even considering something like this, but he's a really lovely person and I think we can have some fun times together. I'm looking on him as a good friend with excellent benefits lol.
Sunday is expected to be our first intimate time together, a time to explore the possibilities and discuss how this is going to work between us.
I still want to find someone to be exclusive with, unless he would like a sub for us to share, but I'm not going to miss the opportunity to spend some quality time with an experienced and caring man.
Perhaps this is a small diversion on my journey, perhaps it's a new path, but fingers crossed either way it will be enjoyable for us both.
What a delight to have someone who really likes me, wants to spend hours finding what pleases me and no pressure whatsoever.
I've been mulling a few things over lately, getting more than a little disheartened about my lack of a sex life and prospect of finding a Dom. I think this will give my confidence a major boost to say the least.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Ahhh The Domly Ego

I played on Thursday, still have the bruises from it too.
I don't often play casually, but quite frankly I was frustrated, horny and needed to feel my sub side.
I arranged to play with someone I've known online for almost 2 years and through conversation decided he would be a safe and sane Top, although not suitable as my Dom.
Being inspected like a piece of meat, having him insert fingers to check if I'm wet from anticipation, not my thing at all, but as I'd agreed to submit to his wishes for the day, I complied.
I was caned for being late picking him up from the station, flogged some and then he began working on making my pussy as wet as possible, flooding he said.
The aim was to try and fist me, as I'm rather tight it was something I advised him would be unlikely.
I was correct.
Today is Monday and I'm still as sore as hell from his attempts to stretch me.
I'm very good at giving feedback whilst playing. I'll ouch and wriggle a bit if it hurts, but will always put myself back into position ready for more.
If I say it f'ing hurts and not in a good way, I expect that to be heard, not told it'll get better and start to feel good soon.
No it didn't.
I'm experienced enough to know the difference between good and bad pain.
His ego I think, he's trained quite a few subs/slaves over the years apparently and seems to have a set pattern of how he achieves his aims, which is fine, but you need to be flexible and I don't believe he was prepared to change his plans to fit me.
Teach me to play casually. I suspect it'll be a long time before I agree to that with someone I've not played with before.
I so need a Dom of my own to train.
Someone to grow with.
To learn about each other and how to please the other.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Plastic People

Why is that some people get off on lies and pretence?
I've yet to work out the reasoning behind that.
Inexplicably there are those who go out of their way to create and build a connection with you.
Will appear to be everything you were looking for and then either just disappear or come up with excuses why you can't meet.
Perhaps it's the thrill of the chase, the excitement that newness brings.
Why bother building something real and worthwhile when all you need do is sucker another person into believing you are what you say.
I've used the internet for over a decade as a way to meet people, sometimes just as a friend, sometimes more.
There are definitely fake vanilla people too, yet I'm convinced there is a greater proportion on BDSM websites.
Maybe it's because we generally have to be fairly secretive about our chosen way of life from the world at large.
Perhaps that's what draws these fantasists as they know there's little we can or will do to retaliate.
I'm also aware it's a phenomena not confined to any particular persuasion, sub or Dom/me, male or female.
Yesterday I was let down by someone, not the first time it's happened and I'm sure it won't be the last.
I'm lucky, I know there are a few genuine people out there as I've met some of them, but I am losing heart.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing." DanesWood

Subs, Slaves And?

"Oh no, I'd not do that all the time, that's for slaves and I'm a sub. I might do it as part of a session."

Part of an interesting conversation with a male sub. It fascinates me the difference in the mindset of a male sub to that of a female sub.

He told me all he wanted was to please the woman he served. When questioned about that and prodded a little with examples of what I'd expect that was the response I got.

Generally female submissives expect to offer all the extras, making their Dominant one a cup of coffee perhaps, cooking for them and taking care of their needs as part of their servitude and it just seems to be a natural part of the D/s.

Not so with an awful lot of male subs, although I'm sure some females fall nto this catagory too.

I refer to these as "do me" subs, for them it's all about what they want, the kind of play they want, catering for all their needs as a submissive.

To me that's a very one sided take take take attitude, for me D/s is about giving, no matter if you're the submissive or the Dominant.

I'm not going to explain to a sub I barely know all the things I could or would do to them, provide them with wank fodder. There are lots of websites they can go to for that, or a pro Domme.

For me this type of sub is not a submissive at all, just a kinkster out to satisfy their own kinks. I'm not sure if they don't realise that, or actually believe that's what submission is.

I suspect some need a lesson.

I always make it very clear to anyone I agree to play with that it's what I want, when I want it. I respect limits, but I am not going to give them an A La Carte menu to choose from. They ask to submit to me for a session, sometimes I'll agree and accept that submission. But it's on my terms.

I know there's the age old discussion of what defines a submissive and at what point they're a slave, but now there's that third option it seems. Perhaps someone can come up with a name for it.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Onwards, Ever Onwards

I talked to the Dom in France yesterday for the first time in a few days. He told me he's talking to another sub who lives on the Isle of Man, nothing serious yet he assured me.

So he can talk to another sub with a view to it being more, but ends things with me because we can't meet up for a few months, for as much his fault as mine. He assured me he's not looking, that he is in no position to do so. That he likes me a lot and wants to be friends.

For once I don't believe him, but I firmly believe it's very much his loss.

I'm glad I've not sat around waiting for him to realise he made a poor decision. I went through a short period where I doubted I'd ever find someone, I suppose that's normal after a disappointment or breakup.

Perhaps I'm the eternal optomist, after all the crap I've had to deal with I'm still prepared to take a chance and let people into my life.

One thing I do know is I'm not prepared to give Mr France another chance, harsh maybe, but it's how it is.

This week I'm planning to meet a Dom for coffee. We seem to be a good match, he's a widower whose submissive wife died in a car accident a few years ago, so he also understands what loss is.

Nothing may come of it, time will tell, but a few laughs, a hug and a kiss will most definitely go a long way to putting a smile on my face anyway.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

When Is A Dom Not Really A Dom?

Ahh I'm tired of the drivel from some people, the lies and pretence. Yet another "Dom" approached me today through one of my profiles and once he got me into conversation confessed that he enjoys bottoming and is not really a Dom.
For so many this seems to be only about the play or the sex, or both. For me that devalues what this lifestyle is about. And it seems they'll say just about anything to get it.
I do have occasional play sessions with subs I've befriended, I love to give them new experiences. I ask nothing in return, I get my buzz purely from their enjoyment.
There is an honesty about such sessions, we both know where the edges are, but it's not something I make a habit of and I need to know the person well and be friends a while before I'll consider it.
There are a couple of glimmers of hope for what I want, where they will lead I don't know, perhaps more dead ends.
Someone I've known for about 12 years has recently come back into my life, there's a possibility that we may become more than friends. He's not lifestyle, but he is most definitely dominant in many ways and I doubt it would take much persuasion to build on that and encourage his dominance.
We'll see what happens.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Is It Worth The Risk?

I caused a stir today with a blog on a BDSM website I use.

There's a "Dom" (and I use that term in the loosest possible way) on there who regularly blogs in an attention seeking way.

His posts follow a cycle, how wonderful life is, he's moved on from the past and his future looks fantastic.

Then his posts take a downturn and he complains about how badly treated he was, that the sub he still loves lied to him and never loved him at all.

He deletes his profile and disappears for a while and comes back proclaiming his love for her and that he'll wait for ever as no other will do.

And repeat.

I've spent time talking to him a couple of years ago when he first came to my attention. I've followed his blogs ever since and find it difficult to understand why someone with such emotional problems is still talking to subs and promising to meet etc etc.

He's caused a lot of upset over the time I've known him and I don't see there being any change in the near future either, but by posting a message publicly to him I hoped that perhaps it would have some positive effect.

It certainly generated a lot of comment and over 1200 viewings in 12 hours.

On the opposite side of the coin I've been introduced to and befriended a Domme who has been outed to her employer by her ex sub, an alcoholic who in an attempt o force her to take him back reported her to the police for assaulting him during their relationship.

No criminal charges followed because he was deemed an unfit witness, but she's about to lose her job because he contacted her employer with full details of their BDSM activities.

Yet he's still out there advertising for a Mistress, even for filming opportunities, for all the activities he claimed she forced him to participate in.

We take a big risk getting involved with anyone where BDSM is concerned. You cannot consent to physical activities that would be classed as assault, yet we take the chance and trust our partners all the time.

We trust that we can place ourselves into their safe hands as a submissive and we trust that as Dominants when we inflict physical pain and marks onto the submissives that they will not use that against us in a spiteful way.

A big ask for us all and no matter how long we take getting to know someone before we get involved there's still so much we don't know, so we take a chance and trust.

Tough life we have chosen for ourselves isn't it.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Open For Blogging Once More

I've thought long and hard about this for the last few days and decided to re-open my diary again.

I closed it to public viewing because someone I know shared the link with others.

Perhaps that doesn't make sense as a reason to some, but I've always kept this is as my private space to think aloud. As many who blog do they put their thoughts out there hoping for perhaps feedback but it's generally an anonymous thing.

I tried explaining this thought process to a friend, but she didn't get it at all, for her the fact it's out there in the public domain means it's a free for all and I shouldn't feel aggrieved because others that know me have been given the link and able to read some of my innermost thoughts.

I've only ever given the website address to a couple of people who know me, even my Doms never had it, I emailed any entries to them. It just feels different when it's people who know me reading it.

The friendship has been spoiled by several things, it's not just one event and my reaction was to close the door to the world by closing the diary to readers.

I've weighed everything up and on balance I get more positives by sharing my thoughts and emotions with those who visit here regularly and those just passing through, than the negative of worrying that people who know who I am will read it and share the contents of my diary with yet more of my friends.

My hope is that should anyone I do know in real life stumble across this diary be understanding that this is my random thought process, me thinking out loud and just letting what's in my head stumble out because it helps me make sense of it.

I think in all but one entry everything I've written has been about me or the person I've been involved with.

It's not about others, it's about me,my life and my journey through it, which is what it says on the description. If anyone doesn't approve of or like what's written here that's not my problem.

So for now and hopefully for the long term I'm back.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Better To Jaw Jaw Than War War?

Usually yes.

A lot on my mind today. I've spent quite some time talking to my last Dom about the current situation. He's no agenda, nothing other than helping me as a friend.

He's broken his promise to his vanilla partner to talk to me, but there has really been nothing more than him listening and offering an opinion.

I'd hate him to get into trouble for trying to help me, but on the other hand it's also reminded me how much I enjoyed talking to him.

I used to hate how he'd make me pick apart how I felt about everything, making me discuss in the minutest detail every reaction and emotion. If there was any friction at all he'd not allow me to leave the conversation until everything was totally sorted out between us and we were back on track.

Now I feel if the Domly one took similar approach we could've resolved this situation by now.

I miss talking to him properly a great deal, hours each day in video conversation that's turned into a few minutes of tense text communication is a big change.

We're both trying to keep to safe subjects, politics and economics lol, since when are they normally neutral types of conversaions to have? But if it helps, fine.

This diary was always my release, a place for me to think out loud and I rarely shared it with anyone. It would seem now I've been found by people who know me, so I'm not sure how much longer I shall continue to write here.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Does Hope Spring Eternal?

Well from bad to worse. My flatmate lost his job 2 weeks ago and as he can't afford to pay his half of the rent etc I'm temporarily supporting us both.

The Domly one doesn't want me to go visit him in France now because of the lack of money.

Somehow during the discussion it all got twisted and now we're barely speaking. It seems no matter how I try and phrase it things seem to get worse between us.

For me when building a D/s relationship you need good communication and regular contact, that helps build a strong connection and stops misunderstandings like this because you come to understand each other. His opinion is that makes me needy, despite the fact it was always him eager and waiting to talk to me no matter how late I got home from work at night.

I've never asked him to make extra effort and put himself out to talk to me, and when I wasn't online when expected one day he was in a panic, as I was on a day I'd expected to hear from him.

I think the problem is we'd fallen into a routine and now he's suddenly decided that's not what he wants. That he thinks I'm topping from the bottom and getting him to do as I want and not the other way around.

He wanted me to grow more reliant on him and I was, now I feel the rug has been pulled from beneath me and I've snapped totally out of that reliance.

When we first began our negotiations he said he hoped we'd progress to a full M/s relationship, but only if it was what I wanted. I can't see that be able to handle it though.

I'm sure I'm not viewing this from as neutral a position as I'd like, but I really am trying.

I don't think I behaved like a brat. I think I reacted like someone incredibly disappointed that yet again life is being incredibly unfair.

I've no idea how to fix this or even if it is fixable. The less we communicate the wider the gulf.

He wants to relax and apparently talking to me is no longer relaxing, so he's less inclined to want to talk.

Everything seemed to be going so well between us, there was no online D/s but we talked about all sorts of things that interested us both and it seemed we could really get on with each other.

I've not given up hope totally, but it's fading fast.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Life Is So Unfair Sometimes

Always when life seems to be going in the right direction something happens and spoils it.

I'd been so excited about going to visit the Domly one in France for a couple of weeks and what happens? My flat mate loses his job.

He already owed me several hundred pounds and now not only is there little prospect of him paying me that, he's also currently unable to contribute anything to future expenses.

As a result it's highly unlikely I'll be able to travel to France to see my Domly one and through no fault of my own.

I didn't react well when he told me I shouldn't go as it would leave me with very little money. I felt he was too quick to say I should cancel my visit and didn't try and comfort me in my disappointment.

So at a time we should've felt closer, we pulled further apart.

Stilted conversations. Me trying to explain what I need. Him telling me I'm behaving like a brat and trying to top from the bottom by expecting him to behave in a certain way.

Then in the middle of all this Matthew contacted me. It was May 27th we last spoke and it brought it all back about how well we'd worked together. He broke his promise to his vanilla partner to speak to me, he needed to be sure I knew it was not anything I'd done to cause him to end our relationship.

We talked about how life is going for us both.

I was pleased to hear his vanilla relationship is slowly improving and in time I think will be better than for years.

I explained about the recent situation with my Domly one and Matthew asked didn't he realise that sometimes I just need to be held and told I'm wanted?

Yes I replied, but he seems to think me needing that reassurance is unattractive, despite the fact he was very insistent on expressing how much he wanted to make a go of our relationship in the first few weeks.

So we shall see how things progress. I'm less forthcoming with my feelings now when talking to my Domly one, more guarded, and that can't be a good thing in any D/s relationship.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Kinky Sex V D/s

Just over a week ago I met someone at a friends BBQ. There was a huge spark of attraction between us and he sent me a message on the BDSM website we use to say hello.

It transpires we're from the same town and he lives about a mile from my mother and we probably met when I lived there, we certainly have lots of people in common.

We've flirted and teased each other all week, although we agreed it would not go beyond that in the beginning, after a few days we both realised there was definitely a sexual attraction that felt quite strong.

Interestingly though no D/s, perhaps some S&M if we did get together, but I suspect it would be just kinky sex.

This last couple of days as much as I've enjoyed talking to him and still think there's a sexual attraction it's lost most of it's appeal.

The more I've thought about it, the more I've felt drawn towards my Domly one. Oh he'd probably not mind if I fucked the other guy, but he means so much more to me than a kinky shag, so why bother?

I'm a very lucky woman to have a Dom who is so understanding and whom I know will give me so much more.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Choices

People are so judgemental.
I can't help but be disappointed sometimes.
My Domly one doesn't have much experience in a full on D/s relationship, his previous subs have mostly been interested in kinky sex apparently.
He's made a couple of faux pas when talking to friends of mine in a chat room.
He wasn't to know they're so uptight and him jokingly referring to me possibly being fisted by a female sub I'm friendly with would offend. Not the sub in question, but my closest female friend.
I wonder, how do they expect anyone to just "know" how they should behave. What is ok protocol wise and what isn't.
He asked my friend to test out some magnets known as nipple killers on me. He also said he'd like to supervise on webcam. She found that offensive as he'd not asked her Dom if it was ok and she refused saying it was play and she doesn't play on cam, or with anyone other than her Dom.
Funny then that a few months previously I helped her pull her breasts through some metal rings and take photos for her Dom to help with an idea he'd had.
At the time I was Matthew's sub, nobody thought it was necessary to ask him if it was ok for me to help her. It certainly never crossed my mind, because as I was concerned it was one friend helping another.
Am I wrong in thinking there's no difference between my helping her and her helping me? My Domly one wasn't asking her to play, just help me test the magnets as I wasn't keen on trying them alone and of course at the moment he's too far away.
My friend has taken a deep dislike to the Domly one because of this and I can't help thinking it's pathetic. I thought I knew her better than this.
She knows he's learning and he really is. He's always said that reality is different to theory and he's finding out that sometimes he has to adjust his thinking to get the result he wants.
Perhaps there should be a Dom school. We could send them all away for a 6 month intensive course. Teach them all to think the same and the same protocol then there'd be no misunderstandings like this.......but then I'd not have my Domly one, I'd have a clone.........and I like him the way he is, warts and all.
Currently my friend and I are not talking, not solely because of this, but it is a big part of it. Maybe we'll resolve things at some point, but I don't know.
She's changed a lot this last year and seems to forget all the mistakes both she and her Dom have made during the time I've known them.
He's lied to her and cheated on her.
She's made poor choices of Dom in the past, yet criticises my choices and said she's not prepared to watch me make yet another mistake.
I wasn't aware that friends did that, after all I could've chosen not to listen to her sobbing down the phone when he cheated on her, when previous online relationships have ended for various reasons.
I definitely didn't have to listen to her when she was sat in a car with a hosepipe attached to the exhaust and she was going to commit suicide just 2 months after my Sophia.
Friendship is a choice, but a true friend doesn't just choose the good times to be around.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Remote Control

Feeling tired today. Seems all I've done is work, and very little time to myself.

Things have progressed somewhat with the Domly one. I received some hate mail a few days ago to one of my profiles. It's quite obviously from someone I know as they called me by my real name, they also made reference to Sophia's suicide.

Its not the first I've had, it probably won't be the last either. I've a suspicion it's a female sub who took a dislike to me several years ago, but I'm not sure.

I was a little upset, I try not to let such nastiness get to me, but it's not always possible, especially as it was so close to the anniversary of meeting Mark/Sophia.

The Domly one bless him, stepped in immediately and requested access to my account. To protect me from such unnecessary stress he's going to skim my messages and delete any that would upset me.

He doesn't need to do it, but it's a lovely feeling that he wants to do this for me. He sees it as a small thing he can do as we're so far apart, to make my life a little better.

We're aiming to spend some time together at the end of November, if I can get some time off work to visit him in France. I can't wait, I think if we're not able to get together soon one of us is going to explode with frustration.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

A Date To Remember

The 6th of September, this is the 3rd anniversary of meeting Mark/Sophia, what should have been our second wedding anniversary.

Instead of us being together to celebrate I'm here alone to mourn.

Life is slowly moving on, I've much to be thankful for and a new man in my life who cares about me, as I do him.

I've some wonderful friends who share wonderful memories with me of Sophia and slowly I feel myself putting that part of my life away.

I'll never stop loving her.

I'll never forget her, but she's no longer with me and nothing can ever bring her back.

Each day is a small step on the journey of my new life. I've made some mistakes, but then don't we all.

I've wept oceans of tears.

I've laughed till my sides hurt reminiscing about our escapades.

Stumble at times I may, but I still move irrevocably forward, as it should be.

Three years ago I met a purple latex gladiator who changed my life and taught me how love can be between two people and gave me the most intense D/s connection I've experienced so far.

Today is a special day for memories, but with the help of my Domly one I hope to create many new one to join them.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

This Is Not A Romance

Every day, in every way he makes me feel special and wanted.

How lovely is it to have someone know just from looking at my face how I'm feeling. For him to know that I need that extra kind word or bit of reassurance, or that I just need to talk.

We chat about our vanilla interests, about our thoughts of various aspects of D/s. He listens to my point of view, he may not agree with me, he may inform me that it's not likely to happen in our relationship, but he never ignores me. I feel the roles becoming more defined.

Slowly he's introducing subtle levels of D/s despite our original intention to wait until physically together. It feels like a very natural progression I have to say and there's nothing that's unreasonable at all.

His brother referred to me as his girlfriend and when corrected and informed that I am his submissive, he just didn't get the difference at all.

This is something I've discussed before, that it's not a romance, it's a D/s relationship. Yes it's almost inevitable that love will grow as any D/s relationship develops and deepens the connection between you, but it's not the same as a vanilla romance at all. Not in my experience anyway.

I prefer the honesty and openness of this type of negotiation before the real relationship starts. Of course I also believe you will only get out of it what you are prepared to put in and if you're not honest about your needs then you're only going to cheat yourself in the end as you won't find something that will last.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Tears

Today I cried.

We talked about lots of things, then up popped something that's been on my mind for most of the five weeks since I met France. His desire to have a child one day.

The one thing I can't give him. I'm too old to be considered for adoption. I can't have any of my own.

For years I've locked away my own feelings on the subject because I wasn't in a stable relationship, and I avoided men who didn't already have children so it wouldn't be an issue.

We've already discussed the possibility of bringing another sub into our relationship at some point in the future. I'm not averse to poly, in fact I think it would work very well for us as a couple if we found the right girl.

My worry is, if he has a child with our submissive how could he not treat his relationship with the childs mother as his priority? Surely it's only natural to be drawn to the one who gave birth to your child.

He told me in the most reassuring words he could find that he'd never sideline me. That as far as he's concerned I'd be a second mother.

I just sat here, words failed me as tears poured down my cheeks.

I believe that he'd do his best to make me feel totally included, but would I?

Of course our discussion was hypothetical, we've not met yet. What we're doing is discussing possibilities and we also understand that everything is subject to change when reality kicks in. Some things will work, others may not.

He's reiterated many times that poly is not something he must have and something that will only happen if we're totally settled and I'm happy for another girl to join us. If not we'll just meet others to play sometimes.

He says if things are not right for us to find another girl and I'm not happy for him to have a child with her, it won't happen.

Then he told me that he's in love with me.

Too soon? How can he be when we've not even met?

Strange it may be, but I do feel a big part of his life.

He includes me in everything. His parents know about me, they even know that I'm going to be his submissive.

Knowing and understanding who I am he feels I need him to be very open about everything with me to feel secure. I've never met anyone who has the ability to make me feel so cherished and cared for.

He's not gushing about it, quite matter of fact in some ways, but I'm never left in any doubt that he has strong feelings towards me. That he respects me and enjoys my company a great deal. We get on together really well and that our kinks mesh rather well is a bonus, not the main reason for us to be together.

Every day I get to know him better, he hides nothing from me, including his faults. He's a good man, a decent man, but not a perfect one.

When we meet, if he kisses as good as I think he will, I'll be a gonner.

If not then I'll just have to spend my life teaching him how.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Perfectly Flawed

It's been a few days since I last wrote anything, partly because I've not been well again. Tonsilitis this time and I'm beginning to think I'm available to any bug that wants to run riot around my body.

Five weeks since I began talking to the guy in France and I'm enjoying every minute. He makes me laugh. We can discuss everything from politics and books to the most intimate of sexual activity.

He's very open with me, he most definitely has learned how he needs to be with me so that I understand where I am, where our relationship is headed.

He recognises that I don't do well with gaps, uncertainty. He also knows that I appreciate the truth and that he must only say things he truly means, to do otherwise would be catastrophic and break the trust between us.

So far I've seen him moody, stressed, happy and tired. What I like is that even at the times he's not 100%, he still gives me 100%. By that I mean he makes the effort to explain how he feels and why. I'm not shut out, quite the contrary, I feel like he comes to me because I give him good feelings and a bit of a sounding board.

He's a flawed human being, so am I and yet we seem to suit each other very well. Isn't that what counts? Not being perfect, just perfect for each other.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

DanesWood

Words of Wisdom?

I got rather annoyed yesterday.
I've always had to look out for myself, I've always been the one who sorted other people's problems. The person others came to for advice knowing I'd always have something useful to offer.
So why yesterday did one of my closest friends lecture me and talk to me like some broken doll?
It's as though since Sophia died some people seem to think I'm incapable of rational decisions when it comes to meeting new men.
The fact I've met several for lunch or dinner and not taken things further doesn't seem to count apparently. My friend thinks I'm looking through rose tinted glasses and not seeing their faults. I'm just jumping at any offer I get, is the impression she seems to have when actually it's the opposite.
It's ironic really as her life has been such a mess until I introduced her to her current Dom. Even they've been through some very rough patches, but now everything seems to be bobbing along smoothly she seems to think that makes her some sort of expert on relationships. It wasn't me sitting in the car with a hose on the exhaust calling a friend as a cry for help just 18 months ago..............it was her calling me.
I'm just a different person than she is, it's not that I don't see faults, because I do, it's just that I don't necessarily see them as a problem, everyone is human after all.
I don't expect France to be perfect, but he's open and honest with me as I am with him. We accept each other for who we are and see so much good in the other we think we can work around the faults.
Of course only time will tell how things will go, but we're not stupid. It may not work out when we do get to meet, but we need to give it a chance. He's a good person and deserves the opportunity and I deserve someone good in my life.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Long Time No Skype

I had to make do with a few minutes speaking to him on the phone today, his internet was off.
I've really missed him too.

He said some lovely things before he logged off Skype last night, so I lay awake thinking about it for ages.

This last few days I've been feeling rather emotional, it's partly because of my developing feelings towards him and partly because of forthcoming anniversaries.

I hate limbo, I hate waiting, but there's no choice at the moment.

As far as he's concerned I'm his and he just needs to make that reality.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

You Rock My World

That's what he said to me yesterday.

Three weeks I've known him, that's all.

I can honestly say I've never met anyone like him. Someone for whom I'm the sole focus and he's determined for me to believe that I can trust him. Give myself to him completely. And that for him I will be his muse, his lover, pleasure slut and slave.

Some may consider this all a bit much considering we've been talking online for 3 weeks and won't be able to meet for quite a while yet.

I would agree if it wasn't for one thing. It's all entirely mutual.

He's not perfect, nor am I, yet we seem to fit like a hand in a glove. I've yet to see this moody side he refers to, but I've certainly experienced various other aspects of his personality.

He's seen many sides to me. There's the shy little girl that seeks approval, is shy and needs to be cared for.

Then there's the independent stubborn me who's wary of anything and anyone new and can and will take care of herself, doesn't need anyone else to do that.

So which is the real me?

The answer is both and more.

Something I have realised, he has vulnerabilities too.

I can give him perhaps more than he ever thought he'd find and that too is something I feel he recognises.

He respects me and desires to nurture and protect me. Help me accept I'm a lovable person (something I struggle with), and that I don't have to go it alone all the time. Be the tough one that sorts out everyone else's problems and neglects my own.

I've no intention of letting him carry all the load, but it's wonderful that someone wants to share the burden.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Take A Chance On Me

Sometimes you reach a crossroads in life and the path you choose can change your whole life.

I've been at many such points over the years and never regretted any of the choices I've made no matter if they worked out for the best or not. Each step you take leads to the next and you can't reach the point you're at without each one of them.

In many ways I'm a contradiction, sometimes overly cautious and at others I'm incredibly impulsive even though I think it's in a measured way. This may be one of my more impulsive decisions, but life is incredibly short and a one shot deal so sod it. I'm taking a chance.

My time with Mark/Sophia was incredibly intense and so full of love and happiness despite the difficulties we faced together. Although ultimately our time together ended in a tragic and abrupt way I'll never regret a single minute of it. I broke many of my own rules for us to be together and collared him only 11 days after we met, something I would never have dreamed I'd ever do.

Now my future is an unknown country and I've hoped to find someone to help me explore it. I think I may have found that person.

It's early days, we've yet to meet, but if I was to have a checklist for the ideal person he'd tick just about every box for me as I do for him.

Maybe I'll crash and burn, but it will be fun flying in the meantime.




"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

A Day On The Couch

No work today, so spoke to the latest guy on skype for a while today. Well actually we spoke for about 8 hours during the course of the afternoon and evening.

I've decided to refer to him as France, because that's where he's currently residing. At least until the spring.

We've made each other laugh, a lot. We've discussed our kinks and he's shown me photos of some body modification ideas he would like to explore. Primarily it's piercings that interest him, which is fine by me. He wants flesh tunnels in nipples and labia as a long term goal. I'm more than willing to work towards that as much as I'm able.

So I still feel we're inching forward slowly in the right direction. Even if things continue to go well this is going to be a marathon not a sprint anyway.

I think even if we don't manage a D/s or M/s relationship we'll still stay in touch because we just enjoy being with each other, even if it is currently only via video link.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

what light from yonder window breaks

Well as things didn't work out with the last Dom I met I continue my search. At the moment I'm talking to a very interesting Dom who currently lives in France but intends to return to the UK early next year.
We tick a lot of boxes for each other and of course it's very early days yet but there is a glimmer of hope.
He enjoys controlling and he's also heavily into body modifications, specifically piercings. That's fine by me.
I've been given a choice of D/s or M/s as the dynamic and he'll tailor his control accordingly, but I'm of the opinion that things would develop naturally if we were spending time together anyway.
He's also given me a list of requirements. Now it's not hard and fast, more a sketch of what his ideal would be and he accepts we live in the real world, not some fantasy. He's asked me to study it carefully and re-write it detailing my choices. Once negotiations are completed he would not permit me to change my mind on any of the limits agreed unless there was an exceptionally good reason.
This is a very different approach to any other I've experienced, of course I appreciate that much of it is by necessity as we're currently unable to meet, so everything is hypothetical anyway.
I've learned through my years online that it doesn't matter how well you get on over the internet, things can be very different when together physically.
I'm keeping an open mind, but at the same time I can see a faint glimmer at the end of a very long tunnel and I am at least prepared to see what happens.
Until we meet I'll still be talking to others and even possibly playing with others, but casual play isn't really for me anyway.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Saturday Night Alright

Last week I worked hard and was looking forward to my weekend. Saturday night I went to a BDSM event with a Domme friend of mine. The venue is 100 miles from me and I had to make a detour to pick up my friend, but it was worth it. The venue is amazing and I knew she'd love it there as much as I do.

I'd already planned to top a friend, and the night before I'd also joking told someone else that his ass was mine and we'd play. I'd only met him once before, briefly. Not taken any notice of what he looked like, but we had talked a little over the last year online. Meeting him in person I got some most unexpected prickles of excitement.

I flogged and spanked his bottom, just somehow got very little from it, but then I restrained him in a bondage chair and attached clover clamps to his nipples. Now I was in my element, I could read his reactions, look into his eyes and really begin to explore him.

After a few minutes with the clamps I took them off and began to use my fingers instead.

I stood really close, began with light squeezes and slowly ramped up the pressure. There were times he struggled, but every time the pain became intense he looked right into my eyes and we got past the pain together.

It's a long time since I felt any sort of connection like that.

I've no idea if we'll play gain, he says he'd love to and will travel up here to see me, but time will tell.

I'm still thinking how to word my thoughts on the latest Dom I'm talking to. So far lots of boxes ticked on both sides, but I'm not holding my breath after my previous experiences.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Chocolate v Vanilla

I'm in a rather weird mood at the moment.

It may be an old cliche, but that doesn't mean it's any less true. I feel lonely.

I know lots of people and when I do go anywhere I'm quite often the one laughing loudest and cracking jokes, flirting like there's no tomorrow and knowing that flirting is all it is.

I miss belonging to someone, but not just anyone will do.

I've been told to relax, go with the flow. That my ideas on D/s are too rigid and I should just have kinky fun and see what it leads to. I can't do that, it's just not me. I've played with Doms never intending for it to be more than the 1 session, or maybe an occasional thing, but that isn't satisfying at all. I'm just not a bottom, that side of me is submissive.

On a different note, travelling back from a few days away with my ex sub and his wife, I stopped off to meet a guy who works for the same company. Just for a drink as I was passing through his area.

We talked and laughed and several times he told me he was looking for a girlfriend. I was careful not to give him any encouragement as he just wasn't my type. I could tell :-)

Eventually we got around to discussing D/s, he'd poked and prodded me enough that I decided to tell him about my lifestyle, or at least a very diluted and brief taste of it.

"Imagine" I said, "that you have a woman restrained on the bed so that you can give her pleasure any way you choose, for as long as you choose. She can't stop you and she can't move away." The look of absolute horror on his face, followed swiftly by one of bewilderment and I realised he probably wouldn't know what to do to a woman in that position.

"ohh no" he replied. "I'm strictly a missionary position man me."

If nothing else at least it confirms for me I could never go back to nilla.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood