Thursday, 20 October 2011

Better To Jaw Jaw Than War War?

Usually yes.
A lot on my mind today. I've spent quite some time talking to my last Dom about the current situation. He's no agenda, nothing other than helping me as a friend.
He's broken his promise to his vanilla partner to talk to me, but there has really been nothing more than him listening and offering an opinion.
I'd hate him to get into trouble for trying to help me, but on the other hand it's also reminded me how much I enjoyed talking to him.
I used to hate how he'd make me pick apart how I felt about everything, making me discuss in the minutest detail every reaction and emotion. If there was any friction at all he'd not allow me to leave the conversation until everything was totally sorted out between us and we were back on track.
Now I feel if the Domly one took similar approach we could've resolved this situation by now.
I miss talking to him properly a great deal, hours each day in video conversation that's turned into a few minutes of tense text communication is a big change.
We're both trying to keep to safe subjects, politics and economics lol, since when are they normally neutral types of conversaions to have? But if it helps, fine.
This diary was always my release, a place for me to think out loud and I rarely shared it with anyone. It would seem now I've been found by people who know me, so I'm not sure how much longer I shall continue to write here.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

Monday, 17 October 2011

Does Hope Spring Eternal?

Well from bad to worse. My flatmate lost his job 2 weeks ago and as he can't afford to pay his half of the rent etc I'm temporarily supporting us both.
The Domly one doesn't want me to go visit him in France now because of the lack of money.
Somehow during the discussion it all got twisted and now we're barely speaking. It seems no matter how I try and phrase it things seem to get worse between us.
For me when building a D/s relationship you need good communication and regular contact, that helps build a strong connection and stops misunderstandings like this because you come to understand each other. His opinion is that makes me needy, despite the fact it was always him eager and waiting to talk to me no matter how late I got home from work at night.
I've never asked him to make extra effort and put himself out to talk to me, and when I wasn't online when expected one day he was in a panic, as I was on a day I'd expected to hear from him.
I think the problem is we'd fallen into a routine and now he's suddenly decided that's not what he wants. That he thinks I'm topping from the bottom and getting him to do as I want and not the other way around.
He wanted me to grow more reliant on him and I was, now I feel the rug has been pulled from beneath me and I've snapped totally out of that reliance.
When we first began our negotiations he said he hoped we'd progress to a full M/s relationship, but only if it was what I wanted. I can't see that be able to handle it though.
I'm sure I'm not viewing this from as neutral a position as I'd like, but I really am trying.
I don't think I behaved like a brat. I think I reacted like someone incredibly disappointed that yet again life is being incredibly unfair.
I've no idea how to fix this or even if it is fixable. The less we communicate the wider the gulf.
He wants to relax and apparently talking to me is no longer relaxing, so he's less inclined to want to talk.
Everything seemed to be going so well between us, there was no online D/s but we talked about all sorts of things that interested us both and it seemed we could really get on with each other.
I've not given up hope totally, but it's fading fast.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Life Is So Unfair Sometimes

Always when life seems to be going in the right direction something happens and spoils it.

I'd been so excited about going to visit the Domly one in France for a couple of weeks and what happens? My flat mate loses his job.

He already owed me several hundred pounds and now not only is there little prospect of him paying me that, he's also currently unable to contribute anything to future expenses.

As a result it's highly unlikely I'll be able to travel to France to see my Domly one and through no fault of my own.

I didn't react well when he told me I shouldn't go as it would leave me with very little money. I felt he was too quick to say I should cancel my visit and didn't try and comfort me in my disappointment.

So at a time we should've felt closer, we pulled further apart.

Stilted conversations. Me trying to explain what I need. Him telling me I'm behaving like a brat and trying to top from the bottom by expecting him to behave in a certain way.

Then in the middle of all this Matthew contacted me. It was May 27th we last spoke and it brought it all back about how well we'd worked together. He broke his promise to his vanilla partner to speak to me, he needed to be sure I knew it was not anything I'd done to cause him to end our relationship.

We talked about how life is going for us both.

I was pleased to hear his vanilla relationship is slowly improving and in time I think will be better than for years.

I explained about the recent situation with my Domly one and Matthew asked didn't he realise that sometimes I just need to be held and told I'm wanted?

Yes I replied, but he seems to think me needing that reassurance is unattractive, despite the fact he was very insistent on expressing how much he wanted to make a go of our relationship in the first few weeks.

So we shall see how things progress. I'm less forthcoming with my feelings now when talking to my Domly one, more guarded, and that can't be a good thing in any D/s relationship.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."