Saturday, 25 February 2012

Vanilla The Ultimate Kink

A difficult week, strong emotions for all of us and some angry conversations between S and I.
All three of us hurt, but I don't think S can see that, all he sees and feels is his own pain and his own perspective on this.
I must say though that St has been a tower of strength and kept me going throughout all this.
If only S could see that if he'd taken his time and not just ploughed on regardless even knowing that I was struggling. I'd agreed to him fucking others, but I'd also been very honest that it would be a difficult process for me. I could only promise to try and work through it all with him. I still think I would have got there, but this was a bridge too far and too soon.
I spent Friday night with St and it was lovely, a totally vanilla night of good company, cuddles and sex.
It feels very odd, maybe it will develop but I don't know. At the moment it feels like a special friendship for me and that's ok.
I miss what the three of us had, it was very special, but now it's gone and I don't see there's a way to get it back.
In the meantime it would appear my kink is vanilla.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

From Great Oaks To A Small Twig

So much has happened since my last blog, I've just not felt able to put down in words what was going through my head. Everything felt as though it was all jammed up and for the first time ever I couldn't use my diary as a way of processing my thoughts.
S has an ex, someone who apparently he had an on off turbulent relationship with over a couple of years. When he and I first got together I asked him a few questions about his left over feelings for her and asked him if he the opportunity to get back with her, would he? He couldn't give a straight answer and I knew then if it ever came to a choice, it would be her.
Right up till 3 weeks ago she wouldn't even allow S to attend the same events as her, she didn't want to be in the same room as him. On the 13th of February he was invited to go visit her, he sent me a message just after 11pm to say he was going to bed, he'd had a nice chilled evening. It didn't take a genius to work out he was staying there for the night.
I'd asked him what the likelihood was of anything happening between them and was assured neither of them wanted to go there again as it had been such a train wreck leaving them both hurt and damaged. In the morning I got a text from him saying he had something to tell me, but wanted to talk on the phone. I knew then he'd fucked her.
Valentines day and what a way to start it.
I was so angry with him, I'd had a few things happen the night before and was already rather emotional, which he knew. I'd even had to phone him I was so upset, my neighbour was missing and his friends were worried he was lying ill or worse in his flat next to mine. It brought back so many memories of the day I found Sophia and it shook me to the core.
Perhaps it's selfish of me to think that he might've taken everything into consideration and choose to just rebuild  friendship with her not involving sex, how naive of me.
We had some heated discussions online and via text, I just couldn't forgive his insensitivity at the timing. One of my text messages to him said "Happy Valentines day, I fucked my ex" because that's exactly what he did and his attitude about it.
By Wednesday things were no better, so St asked if I wanted him to come and see me to talk, spend Saturday night with me instead of attending the club event he'd planned to.
I thought it a good idea, if anyone could help me work through my hurt it would be St as it affected him too. I told S of our plans and how quickly his attitude changed and we spoke on the phone which helped us to resolve a lot of our differences. Why did it take that to get him to communicate properly? I do wonder, although I think I know why now.
Saturday arrived and when St got here we had a cuddle and talked about how we felt, I cooked us a meal and we cuddled more on the couch.
I'd suggested to S that St would shave me as a way of serving me and something for both of us to give him as it was planned for me to go stay for a few days this week.
S assured us both he wanted us to play sexually, for me to top St and explore my Domme side sexually which I've not done in a long time.
We set up a video link so that he was fully included in what we did and it helped us all tremendously to reconnect in some way.
St and I went to sleep quite late after fucking some more and woke up to enjoy each other too in the morning.
It had been quite late when we ended the video link but there was a text message from S at 9.15am to say he was going to spend the night with his ex again, the whole night.
I told him I hoped he had a good night and I meant it too. I felt as though I'd worked through my fears, how wrong I was.
I read something she posted online, just one short phrase.......and I knew.
Shortly afterwards he sent me a text to wish me good morning and that confirmed it for me. I heard nothing else all day as he was in a training course and I was working. He messaged me again about 6.15pm to ask if we could speak on the phone, so I called him.
In whispers and through tears he told me he'd felt forced to make a choice and had chosen to fuck her without a condom.
Only the day before he'd typed up what we'd agreed between us and him fucking someone else without a condom was listed as a hard limit. He knew that if he ever had penetrative sex with anyone else then he would have to use condoms with me. That also meant unless he also used a condom to fuck St then St would also have to use a condom to fuck me.
During our phone call he told me he felt they'd both changed and grown enough to try and rebuild a relationship, so didn't feel it was a one off between them and therefore he'd felt it was his best choice essentially. Strange but later when we spoke online he told me he was now alone and didn't know if anything more would happen between them, they had no plans and it may well have been the one and only time.
I was so calm when I spoke to him on the phone, almost icily calm.
He kept repeating through his tears that he would support St and I through this and his feelings didn't matter, he'd made his choice and was wracked with guilt, but would deal with it. I don't think he expected me to say I didn't need his support, that I'd known what he'd done. He doesn't like that I can read him so easily that's for sure.
St and I talked and I told him whichever choice he made I would abide by that.
We could both stay with S and we'd make a decision on who used condoms, or we would both end it with S.
Before he'd left on Sunday afternoon St had been crying and told me he loved me, needed and wanted me in his life and couldn't imagine not having me around in some way. Most unexpected for him he said to feel like that, but there it was.
St took the decision he would break off his relationship with S, so I agreed to do the same.
Over the next few hours St and I talked, we decided that we should save a little something from the train wreck and although we'd not be able to see each other very much, we would like to when we can. So now we have an agreement to be play partners, have announced we're polyamorous with each other on our profiles and are going to see where it goes. The friendship between us comes first and we will both see others, hence the poly.
The worst of it is that since I'd been around St had come to see how much it worked for him too being with S in a poly relationship and was going to ask St about the 3 of us declaring our relationship on our profiles and to the BDSM community we're a part of.
St and I don't see why we should lose absolutely everything of a relationship that was so amazing. Neither of us did anything to deserve such an outcome.
S however has twisted the events in his mind and now believes we've both treated him badly, that he's not done anything to break our agreement and that it's us who've chosen to do that.
With the right people poly relatioships are fabulous, but one person within that group can't make a unilateral decision that affects you all and not even discuss it first.
If any of my readers would care to share their thoughts I'd be very grateful to read them because if I'm wrong I'd like to know as try as I might I can't view this dispassionately and logically.
At the moment I feel as though I'm stood in the middle of the burnt remains of a huge and beautiful forest with the one small twig I managed to save from the ravages of the fire.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

Monday, 6 February 2012

Just Two Friends Having Fun

So it's happened, he's fucked someone else.Thankfully he kept his promise to me to wear a condom, the last Dom who promised the same broke his word.
I've been trying to work out how I feel about it ever since he told me on Friday.
He came to spend the weekend, brought me a beautiful bouquet of orange roses, kissed me and hugged me as though we'd been apart for weeks not just a few days and before we'd finished the hello told me he'd fucked a friend.
I went numb, a part of me felt as though it had died. It was inevitable he'd fuck her as they've come close before. I'm not even jealous or afraid she'll take him away from me, she has her own very strong relationship with her Dom.
So why is it causing me so much anguish?It's just sex. I've fucked around in my time. I've certainly enjoyed the threesomes with S and St, but then I see St as part of the package deal as he was with S for a while before I came on the scene.
Am I being hypocritical not wanting him to fuck others? I would never ask him not to, I accepted him as he is and it's up to me to decide if I can work through this or not.
Ironically he got rather jealous over a post on a website I made regarding another Dom a few days ago which caused a fair bit of conflict between us, despite it being just a bit of fun.
Perhaps it's the like it or lump it approach he adopts that makes it worse, or does it? For one thing it forces me to face my fears and deal with how I feel, not a bad thing.
He asked me later how I felt about it, numb and disconnected I eventually admitted. He had to force that from me though with a mixture of hugs and pinwheeling my back in the hope the physical sensation would enable me to verbalise my emotions and connect with him again. It did work.
I can be a very insular person, I know lots of people but when it comes to close friends I can confide in there's only one and this I can't discuss with him because he's so protective of me and wouldn't be able to view it neutrally.
The other problem is the other person I might have tried to talk my feelings through with is the other woman's Dom. I don't feel I have that avenue any more, so I feel even more isolated in my confusion.
S is a lovely caring man, he does lots of things to show me how much I mean to him and I know that I do. I could never doubt his feelings for me.
I've thought of taking a lover of my own, perhaps that would diminish my struggle and I'd not care who he fucked. But then if I don't care about that does it mean he matters less to me? I think that's a possibilty.
Of course I'm very well aware you can love more than one person, I still love and miss my beloved Sophia every day. We love each person in a different way, they carve their own niche in your heart and in your life, but historically I've always been pushed out in favour of others by parents and lovers, self analysis has brought me to this conclusion regarding the triggers for my anguish.
What's to stop that happening again? Nothing, but then he could change his mind about wanting to be with me regardless of seeing others.
I'm trying to convince myself I should just accept what he gives me and enjoy it, forget everything else, at the moment though I'm fighting the desire to run and hide away, to protect myself from hurt. If I do that I know I'll miss out on so much love and that potentially is worse.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."