Monday, 6 February 2012

Just Two Friends Having Fun

So it's happened, he's fucked someone else.Thankfully he kept his promise to me to wear a condom, the last Dom who promised the same broke his word.
I've been trying to work out how I feel about it ever since he told me on Friday.
He came to spend the weekend, brought me a beautiful bouquet of orange roses, kissed me and hugged me as though we'd been apart for weeks not just a few days and before we'd finished the hello told me he'd fucked a friend.
I went numb, a part of me felt as though it had died. It was inevitable he'd fuck her as they've come close before. I'm not even jealous or afraid she'll take him away from me, she has her own very strong relationship with her Dom.
So why is it causing me so much anguish?It's just sex. I've fucked around in my time. I've certainly enjoyed the threesomes with S and St, but then I see St as part of the package deal as he was with S for a while before I came on the scene.
Am I being hypocritical not wanting him to fuck others? I would never ask him not to, I accepted him as he is and it's up to me to decide if I can work through this or not.
Ironically he got rather jealous over a post on a website I made regarding another Dom a few days ago which caused a fair bit of conflict between us, despite it being just a bit of fun.
Perhaps it's the like it or lump it approach he adopts that makes it worse, or does it? For one thing it forces me to face my fears and deal with how I feel, not a bad thing.
He asked me later how I felt about it, numb and disconnected I eventually admitted. He had to force that from me though with a mixture of hugs and pinwheeling my back in the hope the physical sensation would enable me to verbalise my emotions and connect with him again. It did work.
I can be a very insular person, I know lots of people but when it comes to close friends I can confide in there's only one and this I can't discuss with him because he's so protective of me and wouldn't be able to view it neutrally.
The other problem is the other person I might have tried to talk my feelings through with is the other woman's Dom. I don't feel I have that avenue any more, so I feel even more isolated in my confusion.
S is a lovely caring man, he does lots of things to show me how much I mean to him and I know that I do. I could never doubt his feelings for me.
I've thought of taking a lover of my own, perhaps that would diminish my struggle and I'd not care who he fucked. But then if I don't care about that does it mean he matters less to me? I think that's a possibilty.
Of course I'm very well aware you can love more than one person, I still love and miss my beloved Sophia every day. We love each person in a different way, they carve their own niche in your heart and in your life, but historically I've always been pushed out in favour of others by parents and lovers, self analysis has brought me to this conclusion regarding the triggers for my anguish.
What's to stop that happening again? Nothing, but then he could change his mind about wanting to be with me regardless of seeing others.
I'm trying to convince myself I should just accept what he gives me and enjoy it, forget everything else, at the moment though I'm fighting the desire to run and hide away, to protect myself from hurt. If I do that I know I'll miss out on so much love and that potentially is worse.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

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