Sunday, 1 January 2012

Happy New Year

Something I always knew would be a problem for me occurred on Thursday evening, he played with a couple we're friendly with.
I've no problem at all accepting non sexual play, but he ended up in bed with the woman and although they didn't have penetrative sex he did masturbate her and she sucked his cock.
He made a choice not to fuck her and save himself for me as I was arriving on Friday afternoon. Was it only timing that helped me to dodge that bullet? I'm not sure. I can't get a straight answer out of S, he just keeps telling me how special I am to him, that I matter very much to him.
I know he has feelings for me, I know he's scared of getting too close in case I leave him too.
Last night we went to a BDSM party and had great fun. As always when we go somewhere together he put a red rope collar around my neck, to him it symbolises that I'm his and to others too it's a hands off message. By the end of the night I removed it myself, no something I've done before and I don't really know why I did, except he'd spent about 3 hours playing with another female sub he's friends with. She was there alone and he wanted her to enjoy the evening too, which was fine, but 3 hours off playing and talking to her was a little more than I'd bargained for.
I've told him I don't want or expect him to change, that wouldn't be fair as I knew what he was like when we got together. I either have to find a way to deal with this, or let go. I've reassured him I don't mind non sexual play, but for him anyone he plays with regulary always builds into a sexual relationship too.
I'm not comfortable subbing in public for play, so he offered to bottom to me and the couple we went with, so between us we spanked, caned, pinwheeled and violet wanted him till he was nice and spacey.
I never thought I could accept a Dom who enjoyed the other side, but it is very much bottoming for his pleasure, not submission, so doesn't feel the same at all.
Silly me had thought as it was a special night he might say something more to me, or ask me to acknowledge publically we're more than we do already, but no, he just kissed me and wished me happy new year.
During our discussion on Friday I asked him how he'd feel if I said we should just be friends. Very sad, was his reply. He looked it too, eyes welled up.
We work beautifully together, I just wish I knew what lay ahead of me so I could prepare for it better, but thats life isn't it.
Maybe he will realise I can be enough for him and he doesn't need a string of people to fuck because the play with them is good.
All I can do is try to accept him and keep talking to see if there's a way for us both to feel happy.
I did make his face light up last night though, a really pretty girl came to seek me out because she'd heard I was there, it happens sometimes because I'm reasonably well known on the scene. It was so cute how excited she was to meet me.
She dragged me over to sit with her group of people and when S came back from playing I asked him if we could take her home she was so cute. His face lit up when he saw my expression and would've readily taken her back with us, sadly it wasn't to be.
So a new year, we're still relatively new together and both looking forward to the future. Only time will tell.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

1 comment:

K said...

Sounds like you're handling it well, neither closing yourself off to him, nor to your mixed feelings. Instinctually, i would not want to share, but if he really wanted, i would want to try. Clear expectations seem important..