Monday, 5 March 2012

The Dreaded Green-Eyed Monster

Well the couple S and I were friends with have also broken up now over the issue of poly.
Talking to her is so similar to  conversation with S, if I closed my eyes I could almost imagine it was him and not her. In fact I can almost predict what the next thing she'll say will be.
Is this a coincidence? I'm really not sure. It's a little of the chicken and egg situation, she's been used to having several lovers at the same time until she met J, then they both took a decision to be monogamous.
Since befriending S her desire to have multiple sexual relationships has resufaced, but would it have anyway?
I do know it made me even more grateful for what I'm building with St. Yes we may wish to include another partner at some point in the future, but at the moment he has no wish to share the time we manage together as he says there's too little of it.
Posting online to show my appreciation sparked off a major rant from S and I found myself blocked and deleted from every network we had contact on.
Amazing that someone preaching multiple partners can have the worst jealousy issues of anyone I've ever been involved with and it wasn't me looking for other partners.
The greeneyed monster is a tough enemy to fight for anyone. For someone with major security issues who (in my opinion), compounds those by opening up their relationship in such a way, is really going to struggle.
Jealousy was something I'd never experienced until a couple of years ago. I'd always believed if someone wants to be with you, they will. Nothing you do can really influence that, not really.
After Sophia died though it was almost as though everything I'd ever thought was me was ripped away, thrown back together in a different way never to be the same again.
Jealousy stems from insecurity and what rocks your world more than having your soulmate commit suicide.
In that case it wasn't that she didn't want to be with me, she just couldn't live with the amount of emotional pain she was in because of her being denied contact with the children.
So no matter how much someone wants to be with you, sometimes they just can't be.
I did feel jealous about S having other lovers, but I managed to work through the earlier difficulties. Maybe I would've managed to work through the latter one, but it was just too big a hurdle too soon in the relationship and in many respects it was as though how I felt didn't matter enough for him to slow down. In his own words he was riding the crest of a wave and loving every moment.
The irony of him denying his issues with jealousy and twisting everything so I felt to blame never escaped me though.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

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