This Is Not A Romance

Every day, in every way he makes me feel special and wanted.

How lovely is it to have someone know just from looking at my face how I'm feeling. For him to know that I need that extra kind word or bit of reassurance, or that I just need to talk.

We chat about our vanilla interests, about our thoughts of various aspects of D/s. He listens to my point of view, he may not agree with me, he may inform me that it's not likely to happen in our relationship, but he never ignores me. I feel the roles becoming more defined.

Slowly he's introducing subtle levels of D/s despite our original intention to wait until physically together. It feels like a very natural progression I have to say and there's nothing that's unreasonable at all.

His brother referred to me as his girlfriend and when corrected and informed that I am his submissive, he just didn't get the difference at all.

This is something I've discussed before, that it's not a romance, it's a D/s relationship. Yes it's almost inevitable that love will grow as any D/s relationship develops and deepens the connection between you, but it's not the same as a vanilla romance at all. Not in my experience anyway.

I prefer the honesty and openness of this type of negotiation before the real relationship starts. Of course I also believe you will only get out of it what you are prepared to put in and if you're not honest about your needs then you're only going to cheat yourself in the end as you won't find something that will last.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Tears

Today I cried.

We talked about lots of things, then up popped something that's been on my mind for most of the five weeks since I met France. His desire to have a child one day.

The one thing I can't give him. I'm too old to be considered for adoption. I can't have any of my own.

For years I've locked away my own feelings on the subject because I wasn't in a stable relationship, and I avoided men who didn't already have children so it wouldn't be an issue.

We've already discussed the possibility of bringing another sub into our relationship at some point in the future. I'm not averse to poly, in fact I think it would work very well for us as a couple if we found the right girl.

My worry is, if he has a child with our submissive how could he not treat his relationship with the childs mother as his priority? Surely it's only natural to be drawn to the one who gave birth to your child.

He told me in the most reassuring words he could find that he'd never sideline me. That as far as he's concerned I'd be a second mother.

I just sat here, words failed me as tears poured down my cheeks.

I believe that he'd do his best to make me feel totally included, but would I?

Of course our discussion was hypothetical, we've not met yet. What we're doing is discussing possibilities and we also understand that everything is subject to change when reality kicks in. Some things will work, others may not.

He's reiterated many times that poly is not something he must have and something that will only happen if we're totally settled and I'm happy for another girl to join us. If not we'll just meet others to play sometimes.

He says if things are not right for us to find another girl and I'm not happy for him to have a child with her, it won't happen.

Then he told me that he's in love with me.

Too soon? How can he be when we've not even met?

Strange it may be, but I do feel a big part of his life.

He includes me in everything. His parents know about me, they even know that I'm going to be his submissive.

Knowing and understanding who I am he feels I need him to be very open about everything with me to feel secure. I've never met anyone who has the ability to make me feel so cherished and cared for.

He's not gushing about it, quite matter of fact in some ways, but I'm never left in any doubt that he has strong feelings towards me. That he respects me and enjoys my company a great deal. We get on together really well and that our kinks mesh rather well is a bonus, not the main reason for us to be together.

Every day I get to know him better, he hides nothing from me, including his faults. He's a good man, a decent man, but not a perfect one.

When we meet, if he kisses as good as I think he will, I'll be a gonner.

If not then I'll just have to spend my life teaching him how.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Perfectly Flawed

It's been a few days since I last wrote anything, partly because I've not been well again. Tonsilitis this time and I'm beginning to think I'm available to any bug that wants to run riot around my body.

Five weeks since I began talking to the guy in France and I'm enjoying every minute. He makes me laugh. We can discuss everything from politics and books to the most intimate of sexual activity.

He's very open with me, he most definitely has learned how he needs to be with me so that I understand where I am, where our relationship is headed.

He recognises that I don't do well with gaps, uncertainty. He also knows that I appreciate the truth and that he must only say things he truly means, to do otherwise would be catastrophic and break the trust between us.

So far I've seen him moody, stressed, happy and tired. What I like is that even at the times he's not 100%, he still gives me 100%. By that I mean he makes the effort to explain how he feels and why. I'm not shut out, quite the contrary, I feel like he comes to me because I give him good feelings and a bit of a sounding board.

He's a flawed human being, so am I and yet we seem to suit each other very well. Isn't that what counts? Not being perfect, just perfect for each other.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

DanesWood

Words of Wisdom?

I got rather annoyed yesterday.
I've always had to look out for myself, I've always been the one who sorted other people's problems. The person others came to for advice knowing I'd always have something useful to offer.
So why yesterday did one of my closest friends lecture me and talk to me like some broken doll?
It's as though since Sophia died some people seem to think I'm incapable of rational decisions when it comes to meeting new men.
The fact I've met several for lunch or dinner and not taken things further doesn't seem to count apparently. My friend thinks I'm looking through rose tinted glasses and not seeing their faults. I'm just jumping at any offer I get, is the impression she seems to have when actually it's the opposite.
It's ironic really as her life has been such a mess until I introduced her to her current Dom. Even they've been through some very rough patches, but now everything seems to be bobbing along smoothly she seems to think that makes her some sort of expert on relationships. It wasn't me sitting in the car with a hose on the exhaust calling a friend as a cry for help just 18 months ago..............it was her calling me.
I'm just a different person than she is, it's not that I don't see faults, because I do, it's just that I don't necessarily see them as a problem, everyone is human after all.
I don't expect France to be perfect, but he's open and honest with me as I am with him. We accept each other for who we are and see so much good in the other we think we can work around the faults.
Of course only time will tell how things will go, but we're not stupid. It may not work out when we do get to meet, but we need to give it a chance. He's a good person and deserves the opportunity and I deserve someone good in my life.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Long Time No Skype

I had to make do with a few minutes speaking to him on the phone today, his internet was off.
I've really missed him too.

He said some lovely things before he logged off Skype last night, so I lay awake thinking about it for ages.

This last few days I've been feeling rather emotional, it's partly because of my developing feelings towards him and partly because of forthcoming anniversaries.

I hate limbo, I hate waiting, but there's no choice at the moment.

As far as he's concerned I'm his and he just needs to make that reality.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

You Rock My World

That's what he said to me yesterday.

Three weeks I've known him, that's all.

I can honestly say I've never met anyone like him. Someone for whom I'm the sole focus and he's determined for me to believe that I can trust him. Give myself to him completely. And that for him I will be his muse, his lover, pleasure slut and slave.

Some may consider this all a bit much considering we've been talking online for 3 weeks and won't be able to meet for quite a while yet.

I would agree if it wasn't for one thing. It's all entirely mutual.

He's not perfect, nor am I, yet we seem to fit like a hand in a glove. I've yet to see this moody side he refers to, but I've certainly experienced various other aspects of his personality.

He's seen many sides to me. There's the shy little girl that seeks approval, is shy and needs to be cared for.

Then there's the independent stubborn me who's wary of anything and anyone new and can and will take care of herself, doesn't need anyone else to do that.

So which is the real me?

The answer is both and more.

Something I have realised, he has vulnerabilities too.

I can give him perhaps more than he ever thought he'd find and that too is something I feel he recognises.

He respects me and desires to nurture and protect me. Help me accept I'm a lovable person (something I struggle with), and that I don't have to go it alone all the time. Be the tough one that sorts out everyone else's problems and neglects my own.

I've no intention of letting him carry all the load, but it's wonderful that someone wants to share the burden.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Take A Chance On Me

Sometimes you reach a crossroads in life and the path you choose can change your whole life.

I've been at many such points over the years and never regretted any of the choices I've made no matter if they worked out for the best or not. Each step you take leads to the next and you can't reach the point you're at without each one of them.

In many ways I'm a contradiction, sometimes overly cautious and at others I'm incredibly impulsive even though I think it's in a measured way. This may be one of my more impulsive decisions, but life is incredibly short and a one shot deal so sod it. I'm taking a chance.

My time with Mark/Sophia was incredibly intense and so full of love and happiness despite the difficulties we faced together. Although ultimately our time together ended in a tragic and abrupt way I'll never regret a single minute of it. I broke many of my own rules for us to be together and collared him only 11 days after we met, something I would never have dreamed I'd ever do.

Now my future is an unknown country and I've hoped to find someone to help me explore it. I think I may have found that person.

It's early days, we've yet to meet, but if I was to have a checklist for the ideal person he'd tick just about every box for me as I do for him.

Maybe I'll crash and burn, but it will be fun flying in the meantime.




"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood