A little reflection

Well still nothing from him, not sure I'll ever hear from him again.

When Mark Sophia died that was a huge wrench, to suddenly go from having a close and intimate D/s relationship 24/7 to the turmoil of dealing with funerals and finding a new place to live was horrendous.
This of course is nothing like that and I would never infer otherwise, but still what I had with him was intense in it's own way and to suddenly go from that to nothing is so difficult, made worse by knowing that he's still out there and that he can't get what he needs to be fulfilled in the nilla relationship he has.

I've lived that half life when with my ex, he cheated on me and shattered my trust, so much so it took me over 4 years to get my head around everything he'd done to me. Even after I'd resolved all that I remained in the same house for several years. I didn't see any point moving out as who would want me? I felt completely unloveable and indeed incapable of any sort of relationship........until I was introduced to the lifestyle by someone I met through my interest in the paranormal. It took him a year to seduce me, but he was my Master on and off for a couple of years. My time with him taught me that I could be desireable and that there were other sorts of connections than the conventional ones.

My comfort zone is most definitely as a Domme and yet I get so much satisfaction as a submissive, to the right person. The problem is there are so few around who can put me into the right head space.

I spent last night with a Dom friend. He fucked me and gave me one of the best orgasms I've had for a while........and then I cried. It's not enough, I need so much more and not sure I'll ever find it again.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

24 hours later

I'm still in shock. What's happened hasn't sunk in yet at all. I've not heard another word from him and not sure I ever will.

It's the brevity of the email I suppose, the absence of any sort of apology for dropping me. Of course I knew if it ever came to a choice I'd be the one to lose out, but that certainly doesn't mean I'm not hurting. I had real feelings for this man and he said he had for me.
Perhaps he felt a long rambling email would be unwelcome and too difficult to compose, I don't know.

So now I'm back to square one. A position I keep finding myself in it seems. Perhaps some people are just not meant to be with another for more than a short time. It's not like I usually make silly choices either, I tend to prefer quiet intelligent men, looks don't matter, personality is everything. So why does it always seem to go wrong?

The only time I've ever been truly happy and felt loved was by Mark Sophia. I don't expect to find that level of connection again, but surely there should be someone else out there for me?

At the moment I'm torn between giving up on a D/s relationship and giving up on any kind of relationship. Perhaps I'm just better off with playmates and forget anything more.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Just as it was all resolved

And after all that I'm tossed aside like nothing because he was caught by his nilla partner. I knew it could happen, but the manner in which he's informed me is just so cold.
Seems I'm meant to be alone.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."DanesWood

At Last

A breakthrough in our discussions to resolve things. Finally I think we're there and now I'm looking forward to seeing him in a couple of weeks.

Things went so well last night that again we were back discussing symbols of commitment. I'm a very happy bunny, although I'm also sure that when I do see him I'll also be a very sore bunny lol.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

DanesWood

How could I refuse?

It was a serious offer too....

(him) Hey mate, I've got a proposition for you xx

(me) And what would that be?

(him) Well I'm a Dom and you can be domme. Why dint we join forces and find a sexy lil female plaything to share? I'm now 100% single xx

(me)lol not sure what my Dom would make of that. I've a strong suspicion he'd not be happy

(him)Sorry I didn't realise you had a Dom now. Sorry to have disturbed you x Please note the upper case D on Dom and lower case on domme, that says something about his view of women I think.

This was from someone I met several years ago and he decided I wasn't sub enough for him, until he discovered I was seeing someone else, then he wanted me.

After Sophia's death he sent me a message to say he was sorry and when I thanked him he sent a message back asking me if I wanted a fuck.

I can't take him seriously as a Dom and never have since that first meeting. I'm not even sure he falls into the kinky shagger catagory.

In his favour he did apologise for disturbing me. I think it's him who's disturbed



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Am I Mad?

It's a long time since I had someone pay me lots of attention. Thirty years ago I got lots of it, so much at times it felt very uncomfortable. Some may think it's a good thing and soak it up, but not me. I can't say I handled it too well at times and hid behind a brittle shell to protect the real me.

Now here I am with the opposite problem, very little attention or time with my Dom and finding that difficult to cope with too. I know he'd like to see me more often, the distance is a part of the problem, but there's no telephone contact and that really would help. I'm afraid talking on msn just isn't a substitute, not unless supported with regular time together in person.

Text is so flat, it conveys little in the way of emotion. You can't feel the strength of his arms wrapped around you. His warm breath against your neck sending shivers down your spine and making your nipples rock hard. Now I have someone who is not only flattering me, but paying me a lot of attention, trying to woo me away from my current Dom.

I'm resisting so far and keeping it flirty friendly, but it's not easy. I'm helping him to learn as he's new to the lifestyle, teaching him to cane and flog etc. I think this also creates a bond between people when mentoring in such a way.

How lucky am I? Not only do I get to spend time with an extremely attractive, intelligent and attentive man, I get to introduce him to good people who will also help him learn. Most of my friends think I'm mad not to jump at the chance to be with him, But I'm hoping my current relationship will get back to where it was, we just need the opportunity to be together and re-establish that special connection we've made.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."DanesWood

Is your flesh my flesh?

That was last nights question.

My answer was yes, but qualified by "as long as you make me feel I belong."

Considering the difficulties of the last few weeks I didn't think it was exactly an unfair proviso to make.

He however didn't see it my way. In his opinion I'd overstated the level of my submission to him, which he believes would lead to disappointment in the end on his part.

All I want is for this uncertainty I feel to end, but he's the only one who can do that.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

DanesWood

Choices

I had a choice recently, give up what I have with my Dominus and accept the offer from someone new, or stick with it and hope we worked through our recent difficulties.

The new guy was very tempting, intelligent, a gentleman, very kinky and an amazing body.

My current Dom is a wonderful man, but something that was brought to my attention recently coupled with the lack of physical time together made me pause and think about what I should have dismissed out of hand. In fact prior to this I would have.

I knew I would have to decide quickly, there was no way I could take time and think about it because that wouldn't have been fair to either of them. Besides Dominus had no idea Mr Muscles had made this offer, but it wouldn't be long before the news got back to him I was sure of that.

So what to do?

When what you have seems difficult, it's tempting to throw in the towel if the grass looks a little greener elsewhere. Why put yourself through a hard time trying to resolve differences when you can just walk into something new and fun?

But it's never really that easy is it. I sat on my bed and cried when I realised what I would be walking away from and that despite everything the relationship with my Dominus is worth it.

Now I needed to know if he felt the same, and set to probing him for an answer. I don't know why I ever doubted how he felt about me, because he was soon reassuring me that his feelings had never changed. So then I told him about Mr Muscles, to say he was shocked is perhaps an understatement, he'd never considered me might lose me through all this.

Perhaps the biggest lesson here is not to take anything or anyone for granted and to keep communication going no matter what.

So now all I need do is arrange my next trip to see him and grasp the chance to put things back to how they should be.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

DanesWood