Saturday, 28 April 2012

It’s A Dirty Little Secret

Not for me its not, but to my family it is, at least to my mother and brother. I’ve talked openly for many years now about the fact I was sexually abused by my father as a child.
I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t ask for him to do the things he did to me, so why should I sweep it under the carpet and not talk about it in case people my mother knows find out?
The more openly these things are talked about surely the easier it will be for those subjected to abuse to seek help and bring resolution.
I don’t do so for sympathy or attention, or because I feel like a victim and full of woe is me.
One thing I’ve never considered myself to be is a victim, I’m a survivor and do talk about my life experiences because if by doing so I can help even one person it will be worth it.
Likewise, I don’t regret anything that’s happened in my life, the choices I’ve made good or bad, except……………I had an opportunity in 1987 to speak out about my father and I didn’t.
The result of my keeping quiet was three more years of abuse for my sister. I had asked her if he’d touched, she assured me he hadn’t, but I should have known. It’s easy to say that I couldn’t have, that by asking her I’d done my bit, but that’s not how it feels.
Eventually she and I talked and realised what he’d done to us both and some time later we went to the police together.
I’d like to say justice was done, but in these circumstances, is it ever? Nobody can give back what was taken.
I am luckier than many others, I know this, I understand this and I’m grateful that my experience was not as bad as lots of children endure.
If anything had been different in my life then I’d not be who I am now, nor would I have had the same experiences and there have been some amazing times in my life. I doubt I would ever have met Mark Sophia. I doubt I would’ve been able to support that wonderful person through the last part of their life.
For those who believe we exist for a reason………..that was mine.
Perhaps the universal balance of life means for every bit of happiness there’s a price.
They say you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family and it has to be said, I’d never have chosen the family I have, except my sister…………she’s fabulous.
So there’s my difficulty I suppose, to accept that to have experienced the wonderful, I had to experience the bad and in this case it wasn’t just me who had to experience the bad.
The first really major crossroads in my life that affected my path ever since was that choice in 1987 to accept what my sister told me and to save more upset, keep quiet. If I hadn’t then I do believe both our lives would be very different, not necessarily better or worse, just different.
For the people I love I’d give them the moon on a stick if it were possible, so it hurts like hell to know I can’t make it all better for her, and at the moment she’s really struggling to deal with the past.
And so, here we are, a past we can’t change, that affects our future and despite everything……….. I’d not trade the good to be rid of the bad.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing." 

No comments: