Stunned

Today I feel numb, empty. He says I'm being silly, that it was of no consequence. The fact that he's been messing about online with another sub shouldn't matter to me? That it was only "3 or 4 times when she needed to destress", that it was apparently non sexual but he won't give me any details of their conversation.

Oh and that a couple of these occasions were after he and I got together shouldn't matter? But that's the point isn't it? That we were together, me his sub, him my Dom.

I tell him everything I do, who I talk to, if anyone has flirted with me...everything. Perhaps I was wrong to trust him so completely and blindly, but I thought he'd earned that trust, despite a gut feeling that told me there was something else going on.

After the recent conversations we'd had I thought there might be some form of further commitment from him, now I don't even know if I can go on.

He thinks I'm being very unfair to him, after all I have a sub, I top others at events, he never goes anywhere and his only physical contact with anyone in a BDSM context is me. But for me it doesn't matter that it was only cyber, he gave her something I thought was mine alone, as my submission is only for him.

All this from an introduction and a woman saying "Oh YOU'RE DanesWood, I know ALL about YOU."

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

DanesWood

Symbols Of Ownership

Are they necessary in a long term D/s relationship?

Does either party feel any different for the giving or receiving of a collar or any other symbol of commitment/ownership? I'm sure everyone has different feelings about it.

I remember the night I had a Turian collar locked around my neck by WM. It's the only collar I've accepted and even though it was my choice to ask for release, it was a heart breaking moment when he unlocked it.

With Mark/Sophia he knelt naked before me and I locked the collar around his neck. His emotions were running so high he fainted. For him that collar meant so much and was something he drew much strength from.

Both of these events were very private, just the two of us and our feelings. Did we feel differently afterwards? I think so.

As a collared sub I felt cherished and special. I belonged.

With Mark/Sophia it was a way of feeling permanently connected, she wore the collar and I wore the key. Even now I struggle to accept that I was not permitted to remove her collar when she died.

There's no right time for these things either. My first sub was with me for 18 months and was never given a full collar. Mark I collared within 2 weeks of meeting and never for one moment regretted it.

Many D/s couples have been together a long time without any such symbol of commitment, be a tattoo or a collar. I'm also sure they mean different things to different people, of greater or lesser importance.

Does not being collared indicate less of a commitment? Not necessarily. I don't enter any relationship thinking it'll do for now. I'm in for the long haul with or without a collar.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."DanesWood

Today I Feel Sad

I read the news today of someone's death, not someone I knew well, but we had met several times and he was a lovely person.

His Mistress was injured when the car left the road, but he apparently died on impact. Nick was 30, full of life and such a loveable person, his loss will be felt by many.

When I read of what happened it took me back to my own loss. His Mistress will be devastated at his death and I know despite numerous people telling me it gets easier over time, it doesn't. She has ahead of her the emotions I've experienced for the last 18 months. I don't envy her.

The bond we experience within a D/s relationship seems so much stronger than any other, no wonder the loss of it is so devastating. I know I've asked myself many times why I'm leaving myself open to experiencing such pain again. The answer is because while it's there and it works then it's truly amazing.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing." DanesWood