Thursday, 17 May 2012

The River Of Life

I'm semi out to most people, partly by choice, partly because some things had to be discussed by necessity.
My mother was always reasonably open with me growing up about sex. I was reading copies of Men Only from about the age of 13. Some very interesting articles in there :-)
Any questions I had, she answered them, although usually I'd ask my favourite aunt. I do remember though many years ago my mother asking me a question when I was visiting with my vanilla ex one day.
"umm before you go I want to ask you something. I know you and David do it."
"What's that mother?"
"Err, how do you....umm give a blow job?"
After I picked myself up off the floor, I gave her some tips about how she could practice then a few days later asked her how she'd got on.
"It was alright....... But he's asked me not to do it again."
Lots of things flashed through my mind (horrible things), and I just had to ask why.
"Because it's not ladylike."
Face palm moment from me and all these years later, I still don't know if he was just being polite. I don't want to know either lol
So when I met Mark he told me he was totally out to everyone, had been since a teenager and dealt with any crap he'd had from family, but the vast majority of people were curious, supportive or found it humourous. He'd even attended a works Christmas party dressed totally in purple latex as a bet, he raised £300 for charity.
I found this approach to life quite refreshing in many ways, but still decided to pick and choose who I told and how much I said, then Mark began transition to become Sophia and was living in female role 99% of the time, so I had to have the talk with my mother.
The biggest and most important questions from my mother were about how this affected our sex life, did it mean I was a lesbian?
She didn't ask as directly as that, but that was what she meant. I answered her the same way I did everyone else..............there's far more to being intimate with someone than the old in and out.
I emphasised that it was the same person inside, the person I'd met and fell in love with, it was just the exterior that was changing as far as everyone else was concerned.
I got used to answering those questions over the next few months, at times it was amusing and at others exasperating at how narrow minded people are that they can't think outside those boxes of either heterosexual or lesbian sex.
It wasn't just vanilla folk either.
I was very proud of how my family accepted Sophia. I'm sure it was partly because I gave them the opportunity to get to know Mark first and delayed explaining about Sophia for a few months.
My mother worried that other members of my family would not be so accepting, but she was wrong. All my uncles cared about was that I was happy...........and I was, very much so.
Sophia was a very special person, how could anyone not love her?
She came into my office one day to pick me up and was introduced to a guy I work with, a misogynistic homophobe. He shook hands with her, talked a little and found his perceptions changed about trans people at least.
After she died my sister in law asked me if Mark (they reverted to Mark after her death rather than Sophia), was into rubber and bondage. Apparently she'd been to see a Medium and he'd told her someone she knew who was recently passed over was into that.
I answered truthfully, he was involved in all that before we met. I didn't see the point in explaining it was a big part of our life together and I was still involved in that lifestyle. I didn't ask questions about their sex life, why should they know about mine?
So the point of this blog?
Choose carefully who you feel the need to out yourself to.
Choose carefully how much you decide to tell them.
Work out why you feel they need to know, is it to their benefit? If not then why do you need to tell them?
Remember once you do tell someone they may tell others, how would you feel about that?
Release the genie from the bottle and you can't put it back in again.
Some people may surprise you with how accepting and supportive they are of your lifestyle choices.
You have to accept that not everyone will be able to understand your lifestyle choices and may not be able to deal with it and their choice may be to remove themselves from your life.
Of course if you're amazingly happy you want to share the reasons for that with people you care about.
Likewise if you're going through a tough time you may need their support, but maybe you could still get that without being specific as to why.
Life is about balance, choices, sharing. It may be a cliche to say no man is an island, but it's still true none the less.
We need others around us, sometimes to help us paddle our canoe, sometimes to lay back and enjoy the ride. None of us knows what's around the next bend.
How we travel the river of life is our choice, just don't forget to appreciate the surroundings as we float on by.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

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