Onwards, Ever Onwards

I talked to the Dom in France yesterday for the first time in a few days. He told me he's talking to another sub who lives on the Isle of Man, nothing serious yet he assured me.

So he can talk to another sub with a view to it being more, but ends things with me because we can't meet up for a few months, for as much his fault as mine. He assured me he's not looking, that he is in no position to do so. That he likes me a lot and wants to be friends.

For once I don't believe him, but I firmly believe it's very much his loss.

I'm glad I've not sat around waiting for him to realise he made a poor decision. I went through a short period where I doubted I'd ever find someone, I suppose that's normal after a disappointment or breakup.

Perhaps I'm the eternal optomist, after all the crap I've had to deal with I'm still prepared to take a chance and let people into my life.

One thing I do know is I'm not prepared to give Mr France another chance, harsh maybe, but it's how it is.

This week I'm planning to meet a Dom for coffee. We seem to be a good match, he's a widower whose submissive wife died in a car accident a few years ago, so he also understands what loss is.

Nothing may come of it, time will tell, but a few laughs, a hug and a kiss will most definitely go a long way to putting a smile on my face anyway.



"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

When Is A Dom Not Really A Dom?

Ahh I'm tired of the drivel from some people, the lies and pretence. Yet another "Dom" approached me today through one of my profiles and once he got me into conversation confessed that he enjoys bottoming and is not really a Dom.
For so many this seems to be only about the play or the sex, or both. For me that devalues what this lifestyle is about. And it seems they'll say just about anything to get it.
I do have occasional play sessions with subs I've befriended, I love to give them new experiences. I ask nothing in return, I get my buzz purely from their enjoyment.
There is an honesty about such sessions, we both know where the edges are, but it's not something I make a habit of and I need to know the person well and be friends a while before I'll consider it.
There are a couple of glimmers of hope for what I want, where they will lead I don't know, perhaps more dead ends.
Someone I've known for about 12 years has recently come back into my life, there's a possibility that we may become more than friends. He's not lifestyle, but he is most definitely dominant in many ways and I doubt it would take much persuasion to build on that and encourage his dominance.
We'll see what happens.


"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Is It Worth The Risk?

I caused a stir today with a blog on a BDSM website I use.

There's a "Dom" (and I use that term in the loosest possible way) on there who regularly blogs in an attention seeking way.

His posts follow a cycle, how wonderful life is, he's moved on from the past and his future looks fantastic.

Then his posts take a downturn and he complains about how badly treated he was, that the sub he still loves lied to him and never loved him at all.

He deletes his profile and disappears for a while and comes back proclaiming his love for her and that he'll wait for ever as no other will do.

And repeat.

I've spent time talking to him a couple of years ago when he first came to my attention. I've followed his blogs ever since and find it difficult to understand why someone with such emotional problems is still talking to subs and promising to meet etc etc.

He's caused a lot of upset over the time I've known him and I don't see there being any change in the near future either, but by posting a message publicly to him I hoped that perhaps it would have some positive effect.

It certainly generated a lot of comment and over 1200 viewings in 12 hours.

On the opposite side of the coin I've been introduced to and befriended a Domme who has been outed to her employer by her ex sub, an alcoholic who in an attempt o force her to take him back reported her to the police for assaulting him during their relationship.

No criminal charges followed because he was deemed an unfit witness, but she's about to lose her job because he contacted her employer with full details of their BDSM activities.

Yet he's still out there advertising for a Mistress, even for filming opportunities, for all the activities he claimed she forced him to participate in.

We take a big risk getting involved with anyone where BDSM is concerned. You cannot consent to physical activities that would be classed as assault, yet we take the chance and trust our partners all the time.

We trust that we can place ourselves into their safe hands as a submissive and we trust that as Dominants when we inflict physical pain and marks onto the submissives that they will not use that against us in a spiteful way.

A big ask for us all and no matter how long we take getting to know someone before we get involved there's still so much we don't know, so we take a chance and trust.

Tough life we have chosen for ourselves isn't it.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Open For Blogging Once More

I've thought long and hard about this for the last few days and decided to re-open my diary again.

I closed it to public viewing because someone I know shared the link with others.

Perhaps that doesn't make sense as a reason to some, but I've always kept this is as my private space to think aloud. As many who blog do they put their thoughts out there hoping for perhaps feedback but it's generally an anonymous thing.

I tried explaining this thought process to a friend, but she didn't get it at all, for her the fact it's out there in the public domain means it's a free for all and I shouldn't feel aggrieved because others that know me have been given the link and able to read some of my innermost thoughts.

I've only ever given the website address to a couple of people who know me, even my Doms never had it, I emailed any entries to them. It just feels different when it's people who know me reading it.

The friendship has been spoiled by several things, it's not just one event and my reaction was to close the door to the world by closing the diary to readers.

I've weighed everything up and on balance I get more positives by sharing my thoughts and emotions with those who visit here regularly and those just passing through, than the negative of worrying that people who know who I am will read it and share the contents of my diary with yet more of my friends.

My hope is that should anyone I do know in real life stumble across this diary be understanding that this is my random thought process, me thinking out loud and just letting what's in my head stumble out because it helps me make sense of it.

I think in all but one entry everything I've written has been about me or the person I've been involved with.

It's not about others, it's about me,my life and my journey through it, which is what it says on the description. If anyone doesn't approve of or like what's written here that's not my problem.

So for now and hopefully for the long term I'm back.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Better To Jaw Jaw Than War War?

Usually yes.

A lot on my mind today. I've spent quite some time talking to my last Dom about the current situation. He's no agenda, nothing other than helping me as a friend.

He's broken his promise to his vanilla partner to talk to me, but there has really been nothing more than him listening and offering an opinion.

I'd hate him to get into trouble for trying to help me, but on the other hand it's also reminded me how much I enjoyed talking to him.

I used to hate how he'd make me pick apart how I felt about everything, making me discuss in the minutest detail every reaction and emotion. If there was any friction at all he'd not allow me to leave the conversation until everything was totally sorted out between us and we were back on track.

Now I feel if the Domly one took similar approach we could've resolved this situation by now.

I miss talking to him properly a great deal, hours each day in video conversation that's turned into a few minutes of tense text communication is a big change.

We're both trying to keep to safe subjects, politics and economics lol, since when are they normally neutral types of conversaions to have? But if it helps, fine.

This diary was always my release, a place for me to think out loud and I rarely shared it with anyone. It would seem now I've been found by people who know me, so I'm not sure how much longer I shall continue to write here.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Does Hope Spring Eternal?

Well from bad to worse. My flatmate lost his job 2 weeks ago and as he can't afford to pay his half of the rent etc I'm temporarily supporting us both.

The Domly one doesn't want me to go visit him in France now because of the lack of money.

Somehow during the discussion it all got twisted and now we're barely speaking. It seems no matter how I try and phrase it things seem to get worse between us.

For me when building a D/s relationship you need good communication and regular contact, that helps build a strong connection and stops misunderstandings like this because you come to understand each other. His opinion is that makes me needy, despite the fact it was always him eager and waiting to talk to me no matter how late I got home from work at night.

I've never asked him to make extra effort and put himself out to talk to me, and when I wasn't online when expected one day he was in a panic, as I was on a day I'd expected to hear from him.

I think the problem is we'd fallen into a routine and now he's suddenly decided that's not what he wants. That he thinks I'm topping from the bottom and getting him to do as I want and not the other way around.

He wanted me to grow more reliant on him and I was, now I feel the rug has been pulled from beneath me and I've snapped totally out of that reliance.

When we first began our negotiations he said he hoped we'd progress to a full M/s relationship, but only if it was what I wanted. I can't see that be able to handle it though.

I'm sure I'm not viewing this from as neutral a position as I'd like, but I really am trying.

I don't think I behaved like a brat. I think I reacted like someone incredibly disappointed that yet again life is being incredibly unfair.

I've no idea how to fix this or even if it is fixable. The less we communicate the wider the gulf.

He wants to relax and apparently talking to me is no longer relaxing, so he's less inclined to want to talk.

Everything seemed to be going so well between us, there was no online D/s but we talked about all sorts of things that interested us both and it seemed we could really get on with each other.

I've not given up hope totally, but it's fading fast.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood

Life Is So Unfair Sometimes

Always when life seems to be going in the right direction something happens and spoils it.

I'd been so excited about going to visit the Domly one in France for a couple of weeks and what happens? My flat mate loses his job.

He already owed me several hundred pounds and now not only is there little prospect of him paying me that, he's also currently unable to contribute anything to future expenses.

As a result it's highly unlikely I'll be able to travel to France to see my Domly one and through no fault of my own.

I didn't react well when he told me I shouldn't go as it would leave me with very little money. I felt he was too quick to say I should cancel my visit and didn't try and comfort me in my disappointment.

So at a time we should've felt closer, we pulled further apart.

Stilted conversations. Me trying to explain what I need. Him telling me I'm behaving like a brat and trying to top from the bottom by expecting him to behave in a certain way.

Then in the middle of all this Matthew contacted me. It was May 27th we last spoke and it brought it all back about how well we'd worked together. He broke his promise to his vanilla partner to speak to me, he needed to be sure I knew it was not anything I'd done to cause him to end our relationship.

We talked about how life is going for us both.

I was pleased to hear his vanilla relationship is slowly improving and in time I think will be better than for years.

I explained about the recent situation with my Domly one and Matthew asked didn't he realise that sometimes I just need to be held and told I'm wanted?

Yes I replied, but he seems to think me needing that reassurance is unattractive, despite the fact he was very insistent on expressing how much he wanted to make a go of our relationship in the first few weeks.

So we shall see how things progress. I'm less forthcoming with my feelings now when talking to my Domly one, more guarded, and that can't be a good thing in any D/s relationship.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood