Funny isn’t it, how we view sex and romance, the ideal happy
ever after story.
Today I’ve been watching chick flicks and shedding a few
tears, which is of course what we’re supposed to do over soppy romantic films.
I’ve never been married, I’ve been engaged twice, although
after accepting the first proposal I avoided naming the day because I knew it
didn’t feel right and in the end, I made the right choice.
The second time, we had the date. We had a venue. We had two
weddings in mind.
A Hand Fasting where Sophia wore the dress and decorated a
beautiful barn and the way it looked was to be a surprise for me on the day.
There was to be a second wedding for my family at a register
office and this time would be Mark at the official ceremony.
I never tired of looking at my partner, didn’t matter to me
if it was Mark or Sophia I was with, inside the essence was the same person, it
was just the exterior presented to the rest of the world that differed. Every
day, every minute, was special, it mattered and we couldn’t bear to be apart
for even a few hours. It was Mark who felt the need for us to marry, to commit
that way.
Getting married didn’t really seem that important to me. I
think over the years I’d gone through the various stages of expecting it would
happen, it was likely to happen, it was still possible to, it was never going
to happen for me.
It wasn’t the princess for a day experience I’d wanted, it
was the commitment, the fact that for once in my life someone loved me enough to
promise to always be there for me, because they wanted to be.
When I locked the collar around Mark’s neck within days of
meeting, I knew I’d found my soulmate. Everything about us just meshed
perfectly, although of course neither of us were perfect people.
Every day our love grew stronger, I couldn’t imagine ever
wanting to be with anyone else. It wasn’t easy. I grieved for Mark as Sophia
took over. I watched the man I met and fell in love with at first sight fade
gradually away. It was like a slow death, the only comparison I can make
really. We talked all the time, communication was key. I loved Mark, but I also
loved the butterfly that was slowly emerging from its chrysalis, Sophia.
When Sophia died, there was nothing to replace her. No
gradual fading away. She was ripped away from me in a brutal way that left me
so devastated I didn’t know how I would ever be able to continue.
The first few weeks were filled with practicality. Arranging
the funeral, finding a place to live, breathing. Friends brought me meals,
flowers, shoulders to cry on. We consoled each other with stories of her
exploits, the type of person she was and that Mark had been.
People kept telling me time heals. I said it then and I say
it now two and a half years on, no it doesn’t. What we do is find a way to go
on, to live. I still have a huge gaping wound that will never heal and never
will.
It’s a bumpy ride, I’ve made choices that were right for me
at the time, they didn’t work out, but I never expected them to. That doesn’t
mean that I wasn’t hurt, because I was.
I’m not the same person I was 4 years ago. Meeting Mark
changed me and changed my life, for the better.
I’m not the same person I was 3 years ago. That me was
smashed to smithereens at 4.40pm on the 9th of November 2009.
Since then I’ve pieced myself back together, into some
semblance of a human being. Emotionally I’m often rather fragile. Small things
hurt me that in the past I’d be able to easily shrug off.
I’ve never given up, although I have felt like it at times.
I’ve continued on the path laid out for me, making choices, learning, growing,
never forgetting.
And now, now I have someone in my life who loves me
wholeheartedly. Someone I can trust, love, treasure, caress, beat, kiss within
an inch of his life. Someone who without being asked, stepped up to the mark
when it mattered and told me how he felt at a turning point in both our lives.
Naturally he’s a shy person, he wasn’t looking for a
relationship because of his current circumstances, but he recognised he was at
a crossroads, beside me. We could easily have gone down separate paths that
day, instead he took me by the hand and led us down a path together, to
continue a journey that we’d started by accident almost. Some may call it fate.
He’s done the marriage thing and doesn’t feel any urge to do
it again. So I know that’s not going to be on the cards for us. I did feel a
pang of regret, but then my next thought was…………would I rather one special day
where everyone gets to eat and drink at our expense while we make a public
commitment to be together. Or do I look into his eyes every day and see the
love he has for me, hear the words he tells me every single day, over and over
in a way I doubt I’ll ever tire of.
I know which I’d rather have.
"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign, mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."
DanesWood